


I will find my way back to you

by Triggerwicked



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Everyone knows except McDanno, F/M, Hurt, M/M, Pining, Secrets, The team is sneaky, danny is oblivious, romance and angst, steve is reactivated
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-02-27 19:42:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13255296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Triggerwicked/pseuds/Triggerwicked
Summary: Steve is suddenly reactivated to a special mission with the Navy, and even with protests from Danny, the team and Danny's kids, Steve still goes.What will happen when he comes back?





	1. Chapter 1

Steve knows something's up when he sees an unfamiliar figure in his office. He turns to look at Tani and Junior who are standing by the tech table, stealing glances at this man as well. 

" _Who is he?"_ Steve asks, only seeing his back from here. 

" _Navy."_ Is all Junior answers, a frown on his face when he looks at the man. " _He wanted to talk in private."_ He adds.

" _Alright."_ Steve says as he runs a hand over his jaw, not really in the mood to talk to military right now. He hasn't really talked to anyone in the military for several years now unless it's been for a case. He's in the Reserves, and even then because of everything that's happened with the transplant and the radiation sickness, Steve has no idea what the Navy wants with him. But he goes in either way. 

Tani and Junior doesn't even try to act like they're not watching him like a hawk as he steps into the office and closes the door.

" _What do you think the Navy wants with Steve?"_ Tani asks, leaning her hip against the table. She doesn't want to admit that she's a little worried concidering the hard stare the man is sending Steve, and the equal hardening stare Steve sends back the longer the man talks.

" _Why do you think it's the Navy? Why not just that guy wanting a favour or something."_ Junior retorts, his arms crossed as he frowns, not looking convinced by his own words.

" _Cause he didn't seem like the type, also both of you are acting weird, so this has to be more than a favour."_ Tani comments, and Junior looks away from the office to her. 

" _I'm not acting weird."_ He argues. 

" _Your jaw is going to start hurting if you don't stop clencing it."_ Tani says with a smirk. Junior hadn't realised he was even doing that, and looks back at Steve. " _He doesn't look happy."_ Tani comments after a while, and Junior agrees. Steve's stance is aggressive, with a scowl on his face and hands flailing as he talks quickly. The other man is not intimidated though, and just frowns back, standing stiff and waiting for Steve's rant to finish before answering in short sentences that only anger Steve more. 

" _What's going on?"_ Both of the other Five-0 members turn their heads to find Jerry and Lou walking in.

" _We don't know."_ Tani answers, as the volume in the office increases. Lou raises a brow. 

" _That does not look good."_ He comments, as they all gather around the table to watch it unfold. 

" _Anyone else noticing how much Steve looks like Danny when he's angry?"_ Jerry asks, following Steve's hands making quick motions and flailing above his head. 

" _That's what 7 years of partnership does to you."_ Lou comments with an amused huff. They watch as the argument seem to come to an end, with the man briskly explaining a few things before saying his goodbyes and turning to leave. Steve is left standing infront of his desk, watching the man go as he walks over to close the door to his office. When the man walks out of the HQ Steve slams his fist into the woodframe of the door, the sound echoing out to the others. 

" _Okay, something is wrong."_ Tani watches with a worried frown as Steve leans his forehead on the glass door. As she starts heading over, the rest of the team silently follows until they're all standing infront of the door. Steve raises his head slowly, meeting their worried faces with a sad one. He opens the door and leans in the doorway with a sigh. " _There's other ways to get out your anger, breaking your hand against the doorframe is not a good one."_ She says as she points to his now bleeding knuckles. It brings a small smile to his face at least. 

" _What did he want?"_ Lou asks, and brings Steve back to his serious mood. Steve sighs again, and licks his lips nervously. 

" _They want me to go on an op."_ Steve starts, his face looking pained when he says it. 

" _But I thought you were in the Reserves, and you didn't have training because of the poisoning?"_ Jerry asks confused. 

" _I thought so too."_ Steve grumbles, pushing off the doorway and walking past the team. " _They said I had information and knowledge of the location and that I would be helpful both for the op and the soldiers, so they're reactivating me."_ He explains, heading for the table and leaning on it. " _But I'm not heading straight into battle. They want me at the local base mostly. But it's far away and it's too long."_ He growls. 

" _You don't have a choice?"_ Tani asks, stopping beside him. 

" _Apparently not, they don't really seem to care about my job or my life that much. He even gave me the whole speech of fighting for our country."_ Steve says through gritted teeth. 

" _When do they want you to leave?"_ Lou asks. 

" _I leave in_ _two weeks, the op is for 12 months."_

" _You_ _WHAT!"_ The voice startles the team, and Steve whips around to see Danny standing in the entrance to the room, staring at him with wide eyes. " _I'm sorry,"_ He says a lot quieter, which is far more dangerous when it comes from Danny, as he closes the door behind him and walks towards the table. " _I must be hearing things because I did not just hear 'you', 'leave' and 'op' in the same sentence. Care to repeat yourself?"_ Danny asks as he stops infront of Steve, barely masked confusion and rising anger on his face. It makes Steve shrink in on himself because he had hoped he could explain it to Danny in private.

" _The Navy ordered me to come with them on an operation,"_ Steve begins slowly, scared to anger him more. " _I have no choice. I leave in two weeks and they said it could take up to 12 months."_ His voice falters seeing the anger in his partner's eyes.

" _Do they not know you're in the Reserves? Do they not know you've been sick? That you basically still are?!"_ Danny asks, and hopefully his anger is now turned to the Navy and not Steve. 

" _They don't care, Danny."_ Steve says in an attempt to calm him down. 

" _I will make them care!"_ Danny shoots back with a glare, turning away as if he's going to head over to the military base right away.

" _I won't be in the crossfire anyway, I'll be at the base there."_ Steve tries. 

" _You'll probably find a stupid reason to join in anyway, you reckless idiot."_ Danny says as he turns back, now marching up until he's right infront of him, his finger raised at Steve's chest. It reminds Steve of the first time Danny got shot and he put him in an arm lock and DAnny then punched him in the face. " _You're not going."_ Danny says with finality in his voice.

" _What?"_ Steve asks with raised brows, he highly doubts Danny could convince the Navy to let him off.

" _I said you're not going. You're going to get yourself killed. This is not like North Korea or Afghanistan, Steve, I can't order Joe to help me to get you out."_ Danny's anger is turning into sadness. " _Please don't go."_ The last few words are said softly, more privately, and Steve can see the desperation in his eyes, that expression on his face that Steve still hasn't figured out even after 7 years. It doesn't seem happy or sad, but there's so much passion that it makes him confused. Right now it's mixed with the fear of Steve leaving, and it's heartbreaking to have to stand infront of him and say he has to leave and there's nothing they can do about it. Steve doesn't want to leave, and he told the Navy officer that quite loudly. He wants to stay, with Danny, and with Grace and Charlie and the rest of their ohana. But mostly he doesn't want to leave Danny. And that's a thought that he's tried to push down for many years. That warmth and electricity that surrounds Danny, that seems to always pull him in and make him want more.

God he wants more.

" _I don't want to, you know that, but I can't do anything about this."_ Steve says, reaching out to hold Danny's arms, rubbing comforting circles into his biceps. Danny looks like he still wants to fight. Not with Steve, he just wants to let the anger out, but Danny is smart. He knows there's nothing he can do to change this, and Steve sees it in the way he leans into the touch. The team has managed to remain silent for the exchange and lets them have a moment before pulling them back to their recent case, though all of their thoughts are on the same thing.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The next 2 weeks are tense. Steve spends a lot of time working everything through with the Mayor and the Navy, and then working on cases with Five-0, and then working on the base to get ready for leaving. While this is all happening, Danny is working himself. Working on figuring out how to feel about this, working out how to lead Five-0 for a whole year without Steve, working out how to live without the other.

It's not like they're living together, but to be honest they practically are. Danny spends most of his days at Steve if they're not working, either alone or with the kids. Grace and Charlie basically have their own rooms when they're there. Danny has his own key, he knows where everything is and he even has some spare clothes at his place. His kids love their Uncle Steve, and the rest of the team are like family as well, but Steve is different. Steve is important, and Danny is not sure he'll handle it well without him.

When they aren't working those two weeks, they're together like normal. The team joins in as well some days, but mostly it's the two of them, on the lanai or watching TV. If they're a little closer than normal, they don't talk about it. If Danny reaches out to touch him more while they're working, no one on the team mention it. If the glances they give last a little longer, no one says anything about it. The days of Steve's departure are coming closer and there's like an electric current running through everyone, waiting for it to either explode or fizzle away. 

They have a small party at Steve's place the night before he's supposed to leave. Everyone is there, the team, Renee, Will and Samantha, Noelani, Eric, Duke and his wife, Adam, Dog, Kamekona and Flippa. It's nice, and they all try to bring a positive attitude to a rather solemn occasion. Grace and Will are chasing after Charlie on the beach, and Danny has brought out a beer to watch them, needing the air and space. It's nice to have everyone around, but Danny is restless.

He hears the door open and barefeet on the lanai, but he doesn't have to turn his head to see who it is. 

 " _You okay?"_ Steve's voice is cautious beside him. Even if they've been acting like normal, Steve has been careful these 2 weeks, tried to not act so impulsivly, not throwing himself into danger, and generally just done everything Danny has asked of him for the last 8 years that he's usually ignored.

He doesn't know what to say. He wants to lie so Steve doesn't have to worry about him, but it's inevitable. They worry about eachother either way so what's the point. " _I don't know."_ Danny settles for being honest, letting out a sigh as he takes a sip of his beer. 

" _A year isn't that long. I'll be back home before you know it."_ Steve says after a few minutes of them watching the kids. Charlie has managed to get himself wet by sprinting at the edge of the water, and is now chasing down Grace to hug her. 

" _Don't do that."_ Danny says and looks down. " _You do not get to act tough and strong about this. A year is a fucking long time, and a lot can and will change in that time. And I know that feelings isn't your thing and all, but you're family, Steve."_ He takes a shaking breath, finally turning his head to look at him. Steve has this pained and guilty expression, the face he makes when he's hurt someone he cares about but doesn't know how to fix it. " _I'm gonna miss you."_ He adds softer, feeling his eyes sting with unshed tears, but he manages to keep them back as he turns back, looking up into the night sky as he just breathes. He closes his eyes once his heart has stopped hammering in his chest, waiting for some kind of response. He hears Steve shift beside him, and the familiar sound of a bottle being placed on a table. He feels Steve taking his beer out of his hand and putting it down too. It's only when Steve places his hands on Danny's hips that the blonde opens his eyes again. Steve's expression is raw and full of feelings, like all his expertly built up walls have been knocked down instantly. His hands are warm against Danny's shirt, his thumbs stroking soothing patterns into the grooves on his hips. Danny's heart has gone back to pounding loud in his ears, hesitation and uncertainty making him freeze. 

" _I promise, in 12 months, I'll be back home. And you can nag and rant all you want, and we'll take the kids to the zoo or maybe on a trip to the mainland. And we'll have the restaurant opened, and if you want we can retire. Or we can keep working like we've done for the past 7 years. Either way, I'll be home, okay?"_ He speaks softly, a whisper, and he's so close that Danny can feel his breath on his lips. He's close enough that if Danny just lifts a little on his feet, their lips would fit perfectly together. But Steve's words have shortcircuited his brain, leaving him vulnerable and a little helpless. The fact that Steve connects home with Danny and his family makes him believe that maybe Steve feels a least something similar to him. But realizing that now, the night before he's leaving, breaks Danny's heart. They don't have time to talk, to do anything about it. And Danny's heart is beating faster, but it's more anxious now, because Danny doesn't know what to do. He can't make Steve stay, there'll be consequences. 

Steve must have seen the emotions flashing by in his eyes, cause he shifts until he brings Danny to his chest, his arms wrapping around his waist. Danny's cheek is pressed against Steve's collarbone, and the second he hears Steve's heartbeat is the moment he falls apart.

He manages to keep quiet as he hides his face in Steve's shirt, his tears making wet spots, but Steve only tightens his hold. " _I've got you, I've got you."_ He whispers softly, his own voice sound coarse and on the verge of tears. It brings a little comfort to him, that Steve is as emotional about this as he is. He didn't want this to be like this, he wanted them to smile and wave at the airport and then maybe cry a little at home before continuing with their lives. He doesn't want this emotional wreck that just makes both of them feel bad and makes everything more difficult to live with. 

They stand there for several minutes. After a while Steve starts to sway a little back and forth with him, still whispering nothings into his hair. The rest of the party inside has seen their exchange, all with sad smiles on their faces, and has chosen to let them have their moment. 

Grace, Will and Charlie noticed the hug too. Charlie had pummeled into his sister when she had stopped abruptly, looking to where she was staring to find DAnny and Uncle Steve hugging. Grace bites her lip, fighting down the tears. She has been in denial since they told him, had blown up in the normal rebellious teenager way and hadn't talked to Steve for a week. She wanted to, but she couldn't. 

They may call him Uncle, but Steve was as a father to her as Stan had been, maybe even more. And with her mom's divorce and all the drama at their place and now Steve leaving them for a year, she just feels angry and betrayed. 

She snaps out of it when Will stops beside her and takes her hand. She gives him a watery smile, she had lost the fight against her tears. He smiles back at her, squeezing her hand. 

It would be okay.

 

 


	2. 1 month

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been one month, and Danny has to adjust to being the leader of Five-0, living life without his best-friend, and regretting how he didn't tell Steve he loved him before he left.

Danny remembers Steve coming into his life like it was yesterday. Remembers the fury he felt when the son of the victim of his newest case pointed a gun at him and after only a brief conversation he knew the guy was a nutjob. I mean, you would assume any normal person would be glad to see the detective of the case at the crime scene actually doing his job, but apparently that wasn't the case with Steven J. McGarrett. And then he called the governor and suddenly Danny wasn't a Detective with HPD at all, but with a new task force, and this stranger with his control issues and family problems pulled him with him into a crazy chase for revenge. To say that Danny hated Steve the first day would be an understatement. Sure he was filled with prejudice about Steve's past in the Navy, but the man also seemed like a complete opposite of Danny and he just thought that they would inevitably clash. 

He had been so wrong. 

Only a few days later he started to see other parts of him, the ones that were usually hidden behind his nobullshit-"shoot first and never ask questions"-Commander-act and those goddamn walls he built up that you could see from space. He saw the way Steve acted with victims families, the soft voice and understanding looks. He saw how he was loyal to the team instantly, listening to their opinions and never secondguessing their actions. How he took on this protective guardian side the second he met Grace, and how he instantly melted at her charms as she cleverly wrapped him around her pinky finger.

It took him by a surprise. And he didn't like it. 

He didn't like it because it brought out feelings from him that he didn't want. Steve was from Hawaii, the team was from Hawaii, they were something that could tie him to this place. This place that he loathed with all his heart because it wasn't his home. It wasn't New Jersey, with skyscrapers and pizzerias at every corner, where his family lived and all his former collegues and friends. It wasn't his life and he didn't want it to be. He never wanted this. The only reason he was here was his daughter, and the second he saw a chance to take her away from this place, he would. 

Unless this thickheaded, grenade throwing, braindamaged sailor didn't either get him killed on the job or weave his way into Danny's heart and force him to stay.

In hindsight Danny is glad it was the latter, though the former could still happen any day. 

And even if it took only a few days for Danny to see the possibility of Steve being someone important in his life, it took him a long time to come to terms with it, and to embrace it. Which is way when he suddenly woke up one day and realized that Steve wasn't just becoming a friend, he was becoming something  _more_ , Danny freaked. And when the shitstorm happend with the Governor getting killed and Steve getting arrested and Rachel becoming pregnant because Danny thought he still loved her and tried to give them a second chance, he left. 

He thought that maybe his ties with island wasn't as deep has he had thought and that he would be able to leave. Only he was wrong once again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Danny tries everyday to act like Steve's absence isn't bothering him, but who is he kidding? He's been his partner for 7 years, and his bestfriend just as long. They've basically been inseparable since day 1, and Danny can't focus without him. He can do his job, sure, he managed to do that before Steve came into his life, but to be honest, having to not worry about his partner's antics all the time takes some of the thrill away. Not that Steve's recklessness isn't the reason for Danny's gray hair and headaches, but it's a part of Steve, and Danny has somehow grown used to it.

It's weird, not driving to Steve's house in the morning to pick him up. Watching him put butter in his coffee, like a weirdo. Arguing about Grace or work or Danny overreacting about something. He drives his own car to work! That's a big change. Danny can probably count the days he's had his car all to himself after meeting Steve. It's nice to actually be in control of some part of his life again.

But being the leader of Five-0 is not the kind of control he meant. It's a lot more vexing and exhausting then Danny had thought, considering the meetings with the Mayor and all the official business. Being contacted first instead of Steve is unusual, because he's not used to being in charge. Sure he's had to step up a few times when Steve went away, but it usually ended with him having to fly off to rescue him and get him home so he doesn't want to dwell on that right now.

But the meetings are definitely the worst. He's starting to understand why Steve would always complain about them. Danny had usually thought it was simply because Steve was a man of action, and that having to sit in a room discussing protocol and politics was more boring than running after criminals with guns and grenades. But Danny quickly finds out that meetings with the Mayor is actually more boring than anything, and he starts to dread them. 

Even worse, he has no one to really complain to anymore. Of course he can try with Lou or Tani, but it's not the same. They have the wit and the sarcasm, but it's not the same constant back and forth like with Steve. He doesn't know them well enough to know when he's crossed a line or exactly where it hurts the most. That's one of the things he loves and hates about Steve. Their constant bickering. He loves it because Steve challenges him all the time in their arguments, he never retreats because of Danny's anger or his loud yelling. He always argues his points and tells him when he's being ridiculous, and it's never meant to harm him. It's never serious.

But when it is. God Danny hates it.

They've been partners for more than 7 years, of course they know where to hit so it hurts the most. It's scary, to know that when things go sideways there's a person that knows all your secrets and fears. All your insecurities and dreams. A person that could bring it all out in the open and expose you, or twist it in their hands and break you into pieces. Danny always feared Steve would do that. That one day he would push to hard and Steve would snap and push all the right buttons to tear Danny's heart apart. Cause he knows them all. His failed marriage, his failed relationships, Matt's death, Charlie not knowing he was his father for years, Grace getting older and forgetting about him, his brain that makes him only see the negative, his claustrophobia, his fear of flights (that only occured after Steve got shot in one and almost died while Danny crashlanded it on a beach), his insecurities with his goddamn height, his dreams of opening the restaurant. Fuck, Steve even knows how one of Danny's fears is Steve getting killed, he knows it's something that keeps him up at night, that worries him so much he gets sick. ANd it fucking terrifies him that Steve might use that agaisnt him someday, somehow. 

That might be one of the reasons why he tries to keep his feelings for Steve at an arm's length. In fear of Steve destroying him and his heart. But god is it hard sometimes, to keep his feelings abay.

He wishes sometimes that he could call him. Just to argue. Okay, if he actually could call him he would do more than argue, but still. God he missed his voice. Danny will probably never tell him but he really likes Steve's voice. The graval in it when Danny comes around in the morning right after Steve has woken up. The steel in it when he's questioning suspects and criminals. The softness when he's talking with Grace and Charlie. The playfulness when they bicker just for fun or when he's intentionally riling Danny up. Even the pain in his voice when he talks about his dad, Doris, Freddie or Catherine, is beautiful in it's own way. Danny would of course wish for Steve to never have that kind of pain in his life but wishes aren't real. Either way it only takes a few days before Danny misses Steve's voice.

Another odd part of a Steveless life is not stopping by his place in the afternoon to drink beers and watch the games on TV. Some days Danny drives to his house on autopilot before he remembers that Steve isn't actually there. And then he just sits in the Camaro and tries to not think about how scary that feeling is. The absence, and the longing.

Grace asks several times if they can visit the beach, since Steve had told her that the house was open for them when he was gone. But it had taken him 2 weeks before he managed to say yes and take them there. He sat in the chairs on the beach and watched his kids playing with Eddie, ignoring the empty chair beside him and the lack of a low rumble of a laugh that Steve always had when watching his kids. He ignores how big the house seems without Steve running around after Charlie or Eddie, of them having conversations across rooms, of the house being filled with laughter and talking all the time because Steve needs the ohana to be ther or the house would just be a shell or a reminder of his family.

It's incredible how much of Danny's life revolves around Steve. It's not a scary thought though, Danny had seen it coming. He just hopes he can tell him that someday. There's a lot of things he wants to say, and he knows he can call up Joe or Catherine and bribe them to get his location so he can call him, but that seems like a far stretch. And he doesn't really want to talk to either of them, Steve has come past that part of his life, and Danny doesn't want to bring them back in his new one. 

So he sits, and he waits, and he argues in his head because one part is trying to tell him that Steve won't come home, and the other is desperately clinging on to the thought that he has to. 

 

* * *

 

 


End file.
